Harry Potter and the Conferences From Hell
by The Awsome Threesome
Summary: Dumbledore decides in order to include parents in Hogwarts activities, to hold Parent-Teacher Conferences. In their own homes. Lord help us all.
1. Severus Snape's Commentary

Harry Potter and the Conference From Hell

Severus Snape was walking along an empty corridor in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. One might ask why this corridor was not crowded with students (or as Snape would put it, snot nosed dunderheads)

That, my friends, is because it is summer.

Yes the wonderful summer with heat, flowers, swimming and no school. For Severus Snape that would mean no dunder-……students interrupting his time with complaints on how long the homework was for that particular day.

Anyway, Snape was scowling his usually menacing scowl (surprising isn't it?) with his robes billowing behind him. One would also say that this is completely normal for this solitary man, and, said person would probably jump in to the nearest closet in fear of losing house points if he/she were in any house but Slytherin.

Now, anyone who might be watching this particular man closely they would come to the conclusion that the mystery person was mistaken.

Well, he wasn't mistaken about jumping in a closet out of fear part, fore that was entirely true.

But, he was mistaken about the scowl.

Yes, the scowl was _technically_ the same. But, if you looked closely enough, you could see a vain throbbing in his head indicating that he was more angry than usual.

The dreaded vain throb only happens on two occasions.

Severus Snape is in some way listening, looking at, or breathing the same air as a Potter. (Doesn't really matter which Potter, they're all the same. The arrogant, self-absorbed bastards.)

Or:

One of his colleges has done something so stupid and/or frustrating that Snape is personally entitled to have a vain throbbing in his temple.

So in one word, Severus Snape was, in fact, pissed.

And not the drunk kind.

As he rounded the elongated corridor with a perfected scowl twitch on his face he heard people talking. And not just any people, his, on he can't bear to say it, dunderhead colleagues.

The leaders of said dunderheads being Dumbledore, and, shudder, _Auriga Sinstra. _Although he did owe Dumbledore his life, so he agrees to spare him of his extra wrath on those occasions that are few and far in between that he does choose to. But Sinstra, vile wench, had no sparing from him.

Severus Snape absolutely _loathes_ Sinstra the horrid Astronomy professor. And Staff Meetings. But when it came to Sinstra, those Staff Meetings came far below her.

And incidentally he was heading to one such Staff Meeting including all of the staff. Shudder.

He sighed and prepared himself to walk into the Door of Horrorsand face is mental co-workers.

So closing his eyes for one second, Severus opened the door.

He was immediately greeted by the sight of all his colleagues standing around and waiting for Dumbledore.

Severus moved to the darkest corner of the room and stood there scowling. Sinstra looked at him across the room and commented loudly,

" So Snape, you have finally decided to grace us with your invigorating presence. All us lower life forms feel so touched."

Then she had the nerve to sweep into a deep curtsy and her friend, the equally horrid Arithmacy Professor Victoria Vector let out a loud unladylike snort.

Snape looked at her disdainfully. He then replied,

" I am touched you think so much of my presence Auriga"

She then promptly glared at him then told him hotly that he was a bastard.

As if he even cared what she thought of him. McGonagall snapped at both of them saying to stop behaving like children.

It was then that Dumbledore decided to make his dramatic entrance. He beamed all around the room and said,

"Good Morning everyone! Thank you all for staying after break has started it means so much to me. Because this really is important."

Snape refrained from rolling his eyes. Dumbledore then continued with his speech.

"This meeting has to do with the questions I asked all of you before the year ended."

Severus scowled at the memory. The old coot personally went to each and every college pestering them for days on what they were doing for their summer vacation. Surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly) none of the Professors were planning on doing anything extravagant for their vacation.

"Recently, I have came to the conclusion that some non-magic and a few magic parents aren't exactly evolved in this school. So, I have done some research and concluded that we will be holding what the muggles call, a parent-teacher conference."

Some of the professors looked mildly interested. Snape, however, wasn't fooled. He had heard about these conferences before. It's when teachers and Parents are suppose to see each other and discuss their child in great detail. Snape thought he had escaped the snot nosed ingrates for at least three months and didn't at all plan about discussing any of them.

Dumbledore started to explain what these conferences were and that the teachers would be traveling to each selected students house to talk to their parents.

In a whole group.

Severus' left eye started to twitch.

"Now, who is up for the idea?" Dumbledore asked.

More than half of the teachers chorused their agreement. (i.e. everyone but Snape)

Naturally, Dumbledore's eyes flew to Severus and he raised his eyebrows.

"You don't agree with the idea Severus?"

"Well Headmaster, my plans have thus changed since you asked me. I am afraid I will not be able to attend this 'parent teacher conference." Said Snape smoothly.

"Severus, it pains me to hear that, but majority rules. I suppose if you don't want to come you don't have to though it would mean a lot to me if you did." Dumbledore said this all in an I'm-disappointed-in-you-tone that he reserved for Snape.

Severus sighed. Once again the choice was up to him. Manipulating old sod.

"I suppose I could…..rearrange my plans Headmaster."

"Excellent!" clapped Dumbledore "We will start right now."

"Today?" Snape questioned, appalled.

"Yes! And seeing that we have a shortage on Defense Against the Dark Arts professors once again I have this young man filling in!"

Albus pointed to a short, balding man with fit cloths and a scar running down his right arm.

This man couldn't represent the post, thought Snape. The man himself was practically hopping from one foot to another in anticipation with a cheerful expression upon his face.

Severus glared but it didn't seem to faze the strange man.

"This everyone is Marafest Diggle, who works at the Magical Law enforcement office with his brother, Dedalus."

The man was so excited to be introduced by Albus Dumbledore that he dropped his top hat.

Figures.


	2. Emotionally Scarred

**Just thought we'd mention it:**

**We don't own anything Remotely Harry Potter Related, so don't sue us. We do own Witch's Brew Hair Care products. **

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**This is Co- Written by Fred and George. Lemon Drops hates Harry Potter, horrible girl that she is. **

**I think that covers it.**

**Chapter two**

Severus Snape's Point of View

Severus Snape officially loathed Albus Dumbledore.

He has been to so many dunderheads houses that he can officially see where the little miscreants got all their stupidity from.

Lavender Brown's parents were much too cheerful, and offered to show him several hair ointments.

Sinstra, the little wench that she is, will never let him live that one down. Ever since that incident, she has continuously asked him if he wanted to try out some of her _Witch's Brew Hair Care _products. To which he flat out refused. His hair is not oily thank-you-very-much. She can try slaving over fumes of potions all day and see what it does to her frizzy ball of dandruff. Wench. Those products obviously do not work on her or anyone for that matter.

Severus sniffed distastefully. The rest of the little walking morons were no better.

They had been to the Creevey Brothers house. Their father was just like they were. Overly hyperactive. It took the staff a half hour to shut all of them up.

Next came Susan Bones who just happened to be with her aunt _and_ mother. That meeting only went a little better that the last. Her mother endlessly asked questions regarding the course range that each professor taught while adding ridiculous comments along the lines of:

"That's too easy for my Susan!"

Please.

The girl was a Hufflepuff.

Farther along the line came Longbottom's grandmother. If that woman wasn't a horror story herself Severus didn't know what was. She kept analyzing the Professor's every move. Longbottom was a nervous wreck the whole way through. He kept stuttering out things trying to please his grandmother. And, to top off the whole thing, some of the teachers kept looking at Mrs. Longbottom's clothing and then at Snape while snickering simultaneously.

_Sneer._

Snape will never look back at the most pitiful conference he had yet: Jane Cutler. The girl was another Hufflepuff, and even worse, she just finished off her first year. Needless to say, the conference ended with many tears and spilt blood. Severus didn't think that anyone got out of there without some emotional scars. That will last. Forever.

Albus of course was treating the whole situation like he was leading a bunch of second graders off on their "first ever field trip." He continuously kept twinkling his eyes and offering the staff lemon drops.

_Shudder._

Come to think of it Severus didn't believe that any of the staff had any of Albus' candies since the great Hogwarts flu in the 1950's. (No, Severus hadn't been there. He's not that old for Merlin's sake.)

Anyway, once he had read a book in his second year regarding the flu and, since then, had vowed to himself never to eat any candies that may have any connection to Albus Dumbledore.

He was pretty sure that the other teachers had come to follow his example.

There were far more conferences they had to attend, unfortunately. Albus had said that they weren't even close to being half way finished.

Shame.

**Yes, we know the chapter is short. But George and I Promise that there will be more within this week (knowing us we will probably start it tomorrow unless we are swamped with homework) We think that we will do Harry's conference next, and give it to you all in full detail. Until next time: ****That's all folks! **


	3. Harry's Conference Part 1

**Sorry its been so long! I hope this chapter is long enough for you guys. It's defiantly long enough for us. **

_**(Hee Hee Hee Hee)**_

Harry James Potter was lying flat on his pack in the flower bed at Number Four, Private Drive. Harry was currently in this position for two reasons.

He wanted to hear the news on the muggle television

It was the safest place in order not to be targeted by Dudley and his gang.

On the up side, today was a very nice day for laying sprawled out on the ground. (Disregarding, of course, the fact that most people never do so) He had also been successful at keeping out of his Aunt Petunia's and Uncle Vernon's way. It was rather relaxing to be able to sit (well….lay if you want to get technical) without any interruptions.

It was so wonderful that Harry decided it was safe for him to close his eyes for a while. After all, supposedly, the order was lurking around the neighborhood.

Suddenly, Harry heard a rustling in the grass towards his right side. He opened his eyes, and, as quick as a flash he was holding his wand point at the intruder. He never went anywhere without his wand these days.

What Harry saw was his single most

loathed,

corrupting,

unbecoming,

degrading,

unwelcome,

terrifying ,

startling,

horrific face that he never ever thought to see at Private Drive.

Severus Snape.

Naturally, Snape gave his one of his best '_why don't you just die?' _ sneers. Harry noticed with a little satisfaction that the vain in his temple looked fit to burst.

Harry gave Snape a glare that he especially reserved for a Death Eater, Snape, and/or Voldemort.

"What are you doing here?" Harry asked coldly.

"I assure you Mr. Potter that this is not a meek social visit. I would never willingly talk to a Gryffindor in the least."

Harry scowled at him then noticed his other professors watching the encounter with a mixed amusement and disapproval.

Harry also noticed that a short stubby wizard he had never met was looking down at him with an expression of awe. He ran over and all but grabbed Harry's hand to start shaking it profusely.

"Harry Potter! What an honor! My brother had told me all about you of course. But you know Dedalus, don't you! My name is Manifest, Manifest Diggle! I can't believe that I'm finally meeting you in person!"

"Ya.." Harry started to say but was cut off by Manifest Diggle

"I know your whole story of course. Who doesn't? So brave to be at such a young-" Manifest's ramblings was cut off rather violently when Snape grabbed his shoulder and pushed him back with a sneer on his face. The other teachers only looked mildly disapproving, except maybe Dumbledore. This didn't faze Manifest though, he was still looking very exited indeed.

Harry's only emotion, however, was surprise.

Harry stared at all of them for a moment. Then he opened his mouth to speak, and then shut it again. He opened it again, and then, shut it.

Harry could not find a polite way to phrase what he was about to say so he went with,

"What the bloody hell are you all doing here?"

Snape sneered,

"Very eloquently put Potter. Ten points from Gryffindor for swearing."

Harry glowered at the greasy git.

"You can't do that! It summer!"

"I am a professor Potter; I can do whatever I want. Regardless of what you and the rest of the famous trio believe." Said Snape smoothly, the very epitome of maturity.

Harry jumped off the ground and quickly pocketed his wand. Snape backed off, giving Harry one last sneer.

Professor Sinstra glared at Snape as he came back.

"Harry, you are probably wondering what we are doing here. It was really a spur of the moment thing. It was also, in my opinion, one of my greater ideas." Dumbledore started to speak with a twinkle in his eye. Harry thought he heard some of the other teachers let out noises that sounded like angry cats.

_Very_ _angry_ cats.

"We have decided to hold what muggles call parent-teacher conferences."

Harry stared.

Of course he had heard about them. He had done a few when he was in elementary school. From his experience, they were absolute hell to go through. Merlin knows what kind of chaos would happen at a magical parent-teacher conference.

Needless to say, Harry didn't exactly feel up so these 'parent-teacher conferences' so, being the bright young man he was, a brilliant idea came to him.

"My parents are dead."

Harry said this in a flat voice with an expression to match it.

Following his words was a very awkward silence in which the professors avoided eye contact or gave him pitying looks.

Dumbledore seemed to have caught on to Harry's plan because his eyes were twinkling, though they did look very sad.

"Yes, so perhaps we can talk to your aunt and uncle then? Splendid!"

Harry grunted at him and motioned them to follow.

"Your funeral." He muttered, then said in a much louder voice:

"I have to warn you though, they aren't going to exactly, ah, welcome you."

The teachers looked at him a bit warily. Trelawney started to mutter about 'foreseeing the problems that will occur.'

She then looked up and said in that misty-yet-somehow-still-dramatic voice of hers:

"Boy, you are in grave danger!"

Harry gave a noncommittal grunt which left the professors pondering how often this type of conversation had happened between the two of them.

While walking 'round to the front the professors couldn't help but notice that some of the muggles who were mowing lawns or sitting out in the sun were looking at Harry with fear.

_Fear._

The Boy-who-Lived.

More than a little concerning.

When asked about this Harry replied with a hint of bitterness in his tone.

"They think I go to St. Brutus School for Incurably Criminal Boys."

Now, being Professors of this school and the sharp people they are, they summed up that Harry's 'family' said this.

Their temper was rising pretty drastically.

When reaching the front door, Harry turned around and started to speak in a low tone to them.

"My Aunt, Uncle, and cousin hates magic. So, if you could, try not to say the word 'magic' and, for my and Merlin's sake, please say the closest thing your subject is called in the muggle world. Thanks"

And with that, Harry turned around, leaving a few flustered teachers, and started to slowly open the expensive door.

_**Cliffhangercliffhangercliffhangercliffhangercliffhangercliffhangercliffhangercliffhangercliffhanger**_

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**-us.**


	4. Harry's Conference Part 2

Chapter 4: Harry Potter's Conference part 2- More Emotional Scares and the Dursley's Demise

**Hi every one, this is Fred and George. We are sorry it took so long and we are planning to make the next couple of chapters pretty long.**

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**Let's get started shall we?**

Chapter 4:

Harry took a deep breath before he walked into the house. He could hear the Professors shuffling behind him. Harry also heard the laughter coming from the telly inside of the house. Dudley, his pig-like cousin, was laughing along with it.

Vernon Dursley, a man with no neck but a huge mustache, was also with _Diddy-dum-dum _and was watching the television reverently.

Petunia Dursley, was in the kitchen, spying through a window at the neighbors across the street.

"Hurry up Potter, believe it or not, we do not have all day and we have other _children _to get to." Snape sneered. It then sounded like someone stamped on his foot very hard.

Harry barely refrained from rolling his eyes. He then sighed and pushed open the front door.

Gesturing for his teachers to stay where they were, Harry walked into the main room and cleared his throat to get his Aunt's and Uncle's attention.

"What is it boy?" Uncle Vernon grunted. It seemed like it took him a great effort to speak. It probably had. Aunt Petunia swiveled her horse face from the window to look at him.

"Er… the teachers from my _school_ are having parent teacher conferences." Harry said quietly.

"Tell those weirdo's that they are not welcome here and to not even bother coming. We don't want Dudley mixing with your lot." Vernon said furiously, his face turning an unpleasant puce color.

Harry glanced back at the door and saw the outraged looks that were on his various Professors faces. It looked like Snape was itching to get a good curse in and that McGonagall lips would never appear again. Dumbledore looked slightly surprised at the hostility and then sad, as though he knew it would happen.

"Well sir… they are here right now, just outside the door."

Sinstra put on a superior look that looked like it said _Ha ha, how 'bout them apples?_

Snape merely stood slightly in a corner and sneered at everyone. _Does he not have any other facial expression?_ Harry wondered……..more than likely not. 

"Tell them to go jump off a cliff then or just go. They are not welcome here, furthermore…." Petunia trailed off in horror as she watched the Professors file into the room.

"We shall assume that we are welcomed to sit down shall we?" Dumbledore said pleasantly but firmly.

Snape looked like he just walked into his own personal nightmare. The walls were this horrible shade of peach and they were covered with disgusting pictures of Fat-Slug-Boy. Said boy was now staring at him looking terrified and Snape gave him a menacing scowl that could melt ice burgs.

Dudley squealed and fled to the kitchen to stand behind his mother. Harry barely restrained from breaking down and laughing. Snape was, as everyone knew, a vampire bat. He was also dressed to make himself seem scarier. Covered in black from head to toe with the greasy hair atop his head, he could easily make little children cry, and Dudley for that matter.

McGonagall simply looked around distastefully, just as the other professors were. She always knew that Potter did not belong here. It was especially obvious looking at the pathetic imbeciles that were staring at them like a couple of stupid baboons.

Sinstra feinted a move towards Dudley which made him squeal again. She looked quite pleased with herself and winked at Harry who was shaking with concealed laughter at his 'relatives' actions.

"We, as I'm sure Harry has told you, we are the professors from Hogwarts." Said Dumbledore, completely ignoring Harry's warning not to say anything related to the school.

And what would you know? Uncle Vernon swelled like a bullfrog with constipation, Aunt Petunia uttered a kind of soft scream, and Dudley squealed and clapped his hands around his fat bottom.

"Weeeeeeelllllll." Harry drawled "It seams as that this is a _parent_-teacher conference and there is no 'student' in that sequence, I shall just leave you all to your business to discuss with my…er..relatives."

He then made a quick-yet-stealthy-break for the door but was, unfortunately, detained by a hand of one that is Severus Snape.

"That is quite alright Harry!" said a beaming headmaster "Students have been attending these conferences so I see no reason why you should not."

Though his words were kind, they held a bit of steel in them that didn't make room for argument.

So, a depressed Harry slumped in the farthest foot stool away from the Dursleys, and he even scooted it over a bit more.

What followed was a very awkward silence where the Dursleys desperately looked anywhere but the Professors, and the professors simply looked around disdainfully. After what seemed like an eternity, McGonagall cleared her throat.

"I suppose we shall start with transfiguration-" She was then cut off rudely when Vernon said loudly:

"Transfiguration? What is this nonsense!"

Sinstra sighed loudly. McGonagall's lips thinned dramatically.

"Transfiguration is the magical branch in which, by a spell, one thing or animal, including humans, is genetically and physically altered-."

"As fascinating as all this is, I believe you can start explaining about Potter's grades and….why they are so…..below average." Snape sneered.

McGonagall looked stern.

"Mr. Potter is doing very well in my classes thank you very much Severus."

Harry couldn't help but feel that the sentence was a load of dung, considering that DADA was his best class by far.

For the next hour and a half, there were many examples, reports, and sneers going around the room (for the last one, most of which came from Snape) Harry couldn't recall a time when all his teachers looked so frazzled, except Snape, for he was just looking really sour with that vein still going in his temple with flourish.

Harry couldn't help but notice how similar Uncle Vernon and Snape were. Though his uncle didn't have any of the redeeming qualities Snape had, they both snarled when they laid eyes on Harry. They like to complain about work, Harry, kids, Harry, each other, and Harry.

Harry couldn't help but dread what would happen when his teachers left. Vernon was currently a ticking bomb ready to explode, but was just to cowardly to do it at full fledged witches and wizards.

He came out of his daze just in time to hear a screech

"Hogwarts is the finest school for young wizards!"

Surprisingly, the high screech came from McGonagall. Now, Harry was a smart enough lad to know that in the situation where McGonagall screeches, terrible things were about to occur. With that delighted thought in mind, Harry lent back and put his hands clasped behind his head to watch the show. Only wishing that he had some Popcorn.

"Well, I've had enough of this crackpot! Thousands of letters coming from nowhere, a giant breaking down doors and giving poor Dudders a pigs tail, flying cars at night, blowing up my poor helpless sister Marge, and the Redheaded lot blowing up our living room! Not the mention the threats we got while picking up the boy, out of the goodness of our hearts! Well I have had enough!"

Uncle Vernon was purple going on blue.

"No more! I refuse to house this boy any longer."

Vernon ended his speech with finality. Harry was rather disappointed, it was a good show. That was until he saw his teachers reactions.

Some were shaking with rage. Others where deathly white. He couldn't think of a time he saw Dumbledore so angry. McGonagall looked too furious to even make a sound. Even Manifest was as silent as a mouse.

"Harry, go get your trunk with all your homework and what you own."

Confused, but only too happy to oblige to Dumbledore's request to, by extension, get out of the room, Harry ran up to the smallest bedroom in Number 4 Private Drive and started to randomly throw everything he owned in his trunk. Pausing only to grab Hedwig and her cage, he ran back down stairs.

Harry has never exactly been an expert at intimidation methods, but he sure felt wary when he came down to find that nobody seemed to have moved, however the Dursleys were a greenish shade of Pallid.

Harry cleared his throat.

"I have my trunk sir, but what do you want it for?"

"We are leaving." Dumbledore said abruptly.

Harry's eyes widened as far as they could go. He tried string a coherent thought or sentence together but all that came out was vowel sounds.

Snape grabbed onto his shoulder and forcibly threw him out the door. Harry couldn't help but move along with his professors because they weren't giving him a choice in the matter. Dumbledore levitated his trunk and cage into the back of a rather small car. He could see Hedwig start to fly off to God- knows- where with a note attached to her leg by Dumbledore.

The Professors started to pile into the car and, with Snape still pushing him, Harry got in as well. Harry realized that the car was much bigger on the inside that the outside. Kind of like the tents the Weasleys along with Hermione and Harry had at the Quidditch World Cup.

Unfortunately for Harry, he just realized he was stuck in a rather small car now that it was all filled up with all of his….erm…wonderful professors.

Could life get any better?

With Harry's hero saving thing, bad luck, and brave yet stupid actions. Not to mention being surrounded by all his professors in a purple car, specifically between a sour Snape and furious McGonagall, Harry thought not.

Goody.

**Thanks for reading! Reviews are cool too. Hope you enjoyed!**

**-Fred and George**


	5. The Car of Doom and Blackmail

**Hello again!**

**Well, this is the lovely chapter five and Amber (George) and I (Ashley/Fred) would like to thank all of you wonderful people for reading our story, even if we have just started it. I suppose we need to include Sarah in there too so lets pretend she cares for Harry Potter and is saying right now how much she appreciates all of you, okay?**

**Well, cheers to Chapter five!**

_**The Car of Doom and Psychological Pain**_

If anyone has ever not known the definition of 'awkward,' that would be sitting in between Professors McGonagall and Snape. This, for your information, is always a very dangerous place to be.

Harry slowly looked at both of them from side to side. He then took a deep breath and tried to calm himself.

Vector already went on a rant about Harry's relatives, but he tuned her out a while ago. It seemed like hours since they had left Harry's house, but really it had only been about twenty minutes.

The whole thing was okay for a while, but, after twenty minutes, Harry started to wonder where exactly they were going.

The teachers didn't look the least bit bothered where they may or may not be heading. (Then again, they might have been to furious and/or insane to ask a question.)

So Harry Potter, Boy-Who-Lived, Chosen One, Greatest Seeker of the Century, and Golden Gryffindor Boy summed up his courage to ask Dumbledore where they were heading.

Harry glanced at Dumbledore, then decided that he was a very peculiar sight considering he looked like an old, slightly insane man with a beard longer than anyone's since Merlin's, was driving a car small enough for the amusement of a clown while glaring at the road as if it had gave him great personal slight.

Still, being the brave boy he was, said in a quiet yet faintly audible voice:

"Sir, where exactly are we heading?"

Dumbledore didn't even glance at him as he said

"Truthfully, I can't answer that question. But, I'm sure your inquiries will be spoken to in due time."

That was one of the things about Albus Dumbledore. You just can't trust the man to give you a straight answer. Sure you can trust him with your life, lives of others, secrets, and the promise to be annoying. You just have to be prepared to not get the information you want.

It's not like Dumbledore evades your question rudely, or bluntly. It's just that, he believes in a strictly need to know basis. If you don't need to know at the time, he won't tell you. Even if you do need to know but he thinks it won't benefit you in the end, he won't say a word. It's like his mouth is locket shut with the key that is in Jamaica.

_Even_ if the end contains a dead godfather, almost dead friends, and yet another confrontation with Voldemort, he still won't tell you. (Granted, Dumbledore didn't know fifth year would all end like that, but that doesn't mean we can't be bitter about the fact, now does it?)

To amuse himself, Harry started to wonder who is Dumbledore's closest confident. If Harry wanted to be naive and ignorant, he would have said McGonagall. But, to be truthful, it really had to be Snape.

Ah, good old Severus Snape.

Glancing at the scowling, sneering, slouching, silent man, Harry found it hard to believe how a man whose eyes twinkle and gives out lemon drops closest confident would be a reformed Death Eater.

It just goes to show how ironic life is. The Phrase, "life is a bitch, get used to it" comes to mind as well, come to think of it.

Harry grimaced and tried to converge into the cushions as if a disappearing charm was cast on him.

So now he was just looking at other cars license plates and tried to pretend he was somewhere else far, far away from the loons he was with.

Soon Harry got very bored with looking at the license plates. Vector was still going on about his relatives.

(_They know nothing about our world!! They are the biggest bunch of, to use your phrase Severus, dunderheads I have ever had the total displeasure to meet. Would you not agree Sinstra? Harry, I feel so bad for your being with that….those….imbeciles. I WOULD have hexed them to London and back if it wasn't for that inconvenient Statue of Secrecy. If a bat-bogey hex got to Pigster Jr. that would have been one of the best highlights of my life!)_

Blah…blah…blah, she just kept going on and on.

"Well now we see where Potter might get some of his behavior traits from correct…Professor," sneered Snape.

Harry managed to turn his head in the extremely cramped car to glower at him. McGonagall swelled like a furious bull frog, leaned across Harry, and said, "His behavior has nothing to do with it. Harry has saved people's lives before. Even if his disregard for the rules is...undesirable at worst. You are just bitter about all the pranks James and Sirius played on you at school. It's time to move on Severus."

"Oh please Minerva. You are just so overprotective of your favorite students that it clouds your judgment. The boy is an absolute spitting image of his father. He is worse than the densest Hufflepuff!!" said Snape smoothly.

Professor Sprout seemed to take personal offense to this. Harry didn't really blame her. He also wished they wouldn't talk about him like he wasn't sitting in between them.

"Oh right. You have no favorites what so ever. Mr. Malfoy is totally hated by you along with the rest of Slytherin. You take points away from all the other houses just because of what the Marauders did to you." Shot back McGonagall.

"She's right Severus. After all…you did make a Ravenclaw first year cry once." Cut in Sinstra.

Snape turned to give her a glare. The phrase 'if looks could kill' came to mind.

"You made little Amanda Bennett cry!!! That was you!!" Flitwick looked scandalized that someone would do something to a first year.

"She is the sweetest thing Severus how could you!" Vector was getting herself worked up again while Sinstra and McGonagall just looked very smug.

"I did not make the little miscreant cry! I merely _corrected _her on the proper stirring of a delicate potion. She is the one that is off her rocker. She started bawling about telling her mother I was yelling at her." Snape argued hotly.

"There was no need to take away twenty points and give her a week's detention! No one does that to a first year!" Flitwick started to look very angry.

Personally, Harry was wondering what could be worse. Climbing over everyone and jumping out of the vehicle…or risk getting hit by a rather nasty charm from an old dueling champion.

"She had my class after that. She looked all teary eyed but really angry. If I were you I would watch your step Severus. Ravenclaws are bad people to get on the bad side of." Said Professor Sprout wisely.

"Speaking of which," Dumbledore started. Harry was a little disappointed. He wanted to see Snape get gained up on more.

"We are at little Amanda's house now. Be polite Severus, don't make her cry or infuriate her family. (Severus scowled) Harry, please stay in the car." Dumbledore finished.

"But Professor…where are we-" Harry never got a chance to finish that sentence, for everyone piled out and he was left all alone.

Harry was tempted to go, he really was. He would bet a fair amount of his Gringots account that Snape is going to get yelled at again.

Harry wondered if he could get away with listening in on the conference. Is the relationship between a family and teachers like Patient and a Doctor?

Dumbledore specifically said to stay in this very car. He never said, however, what Harry can and can't do in the car. Harry raised his eyebrows in thought.

Looking under the seats Harry found that the teachers had brought things to amuse them in between the long rides, other than going down each other's throats.

With a curious thought in mind Harry looked around the area where Snape had been sitting and to his delight, there seemed to be a small bag by his seat.

Glancing at the house door (which was firmly shut) Harry brought up the bag and set it on his lap. He was about to open it when a horrible thought came to mind: What if it was cursed?

Harry stared at the bag.

What could happen to him? Severus had obviously opened the bag a few times as it looked crinkled. And it didn't look _cursed. _It was plain, black, and smelly. Just like Snape.

It was highly doubtful that he would put a curse on it if he was opening it from time to time also.

With a determined thought in mind, Harry open the bag and flinched back as if it had the Monster Book of Monsters inside of it.

There was no biting book inside of it.

There where however, quite a few regular books in it. Most of them were rather small and uninteresting, but that was before Harry got a look at the titles.

One book which really gave Harry a buzz was titled _Potions for Dummies._

There were a few other books about potions, but as harry dug deeper, he found some things that he never thought to be in a bag so open.

_The Staff Blackmail Book._

If it would had not been immature and had the possibility of giving him away, Harry would have laughed like a raving loon.

Also, another book of interest just plainly said

_Property of Severus S. Snape._

Harry would have made an even bigger bet that it was a diary.

Thoughts of blackmail flitted through his mind while he shoved the two books under his seat and, after rearranging the bag, under Snape's seat.

It wasn't _blackmail _of course. Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who-Lived, would never think of such a horrendous thought.

After all, doesn't everybody much rather prefer to call this 'blackmail' a word that is not so ugly and Slytherin?

Extortion.

Harry then cackled.

Quietly, of course.

**Reviews are lovely! We always appreciate them!**

**Happy Spring Break on the computer!**

**-Ashley and Amber**


	6. Harry Potter's comings and goings

**We are so sorry! **

**Anyway, we are currently heading into our last week of school (thank God) and have been really busy with end of trimester assignments and tests. We are also playing Softball (All Stars, a team that you have to try out to get in……teeheehee!) so we are kind of swamped. **

**But! Never fear! For summer is here full of quite a few boring days with nothing better to do than write a story! (not that its boring, the story we mean.)**

**Anyway, we know. Excuses excuses. **

**But, We would like to give a thanks to (in no particular order) **_**Rebecca Roy**_**, **_**Sabishii Kage Tenshi, omega13a, Sabaku no Sable, Ragna Cara, raven2547, rainbow2007, maloanne, Samara Longbottom, Starlightmonkey, Elvish-princess99, BadWolf95, and (last but not least) cckeimig. **_

**We appreciate all of your reviews! (even if you have only reviewed once so far. :0)**

**And, if you have any ideas for the story, feel free to tell us. **

**By the way……love the names. Very interesting (yet, extremely hard to copy)**

_July 16,_

_I hate my co-workers._

_I am squished in a clown car, and something smells really terrible. I think it is Sinstra, who is just as batty as always, and my stomach hurts. Am I car sick? How does an accomplished wizard/potioneer such as myself become car sick? It is almost positively all this dirty smog all the muggles throw into the air. I hate the city. I hate my co-workers. _

_Have tried ice cream though. It was a totally delightful experience. I have decided that I will never have it again though, as the coldness gives me terrible headaches._

_Vector is glaring at me. Perhaps she is still a little angry that I accidently burned her wardrobe with one of my more potent acids. I needed a test subject, and she does not need all those clothes. Sinstra is reading a book and McGonagall is sleeping. She snores. Every five seconds I hear air going through her nose. She sounds like a male pig rolling in the mud. Disgusting. _

_Flitwick is humming to himself. I am becoming annoyed. I absolutely loath humming. It reminds me of Lockhart, the pathetic man. I still can't think of him without going blind. He wore all these stupid colorful robes. _

_He was a dunderhead…just like the rest of the student population. He also told me that I am so depressed and angry all the time because I let no color into my life._

_I told him black is a color, and that it describes me, and that is how expressive I am._

_I gave him a death glare though, and he scurried away. He also told me how to 'properly' brew the Draught of Living Death. I was livid, and I told him that I will try it his way, and then at dinner, when he starts to drink his 'sparkling water' we will see if it works._

_Lockhart tried to avoid me after that, strangely enough._

_Potter is still as arrogant as ever. Just like his father. I cannot wait until he is out of Hogwarts. That or he gets killed because he overreacted or jumped right into something that he had nothing to do with. I will be there to see it. We had to take the stupid dunderhead from his fatty guardians. _

_They will almost certainly die of heart attacks. Or choke on their own saliva while downing twenty pounds of beef._

_Have gotten into a fight with the staff. They have all gained up on me. They are just jealous of my skills. They think I made Agnus Beanie cry, or some other name like that. I corrected her. They have no right to say those things to me. _

_What do they know anyway. Idiots. I think Potter was trying not to laugh. So I took twenty points from Gryffindor mentally. _

_McGonagall will blow a socket when she finds out, however I really don't care._

_Am now forced to visit Agnus. I am not excited. I will most likely get yelled at. By her parents, the staff, and everyone else. _

_A dog bit me earlier. I jinxed it. It will now stay up in a tree for the rest of its existence with the mind of a squirrel. There was also some minor transfiguration involved.. Dumbledore was furious. So was everyone else. I think McGonagall was impressed, though she tried not to show it._

_I will now go visit Agnus. _

_Yippee._

_I can practically feel my own enthusiasm melting onto everyone else._

_-Severus Snape_

__Harry was shaking with laughter by the end of the latest entry. Who knew that Snape had a diary clearly written as if by a teenage girl who was particularly fond of the color black.

Diary, eh? Now, Harry could get back at Snape for all of unjust things he had done to him.

Take that Severus Simon Snape. (His middle name was in the diary, along with a long paragraph harping about it.)

And Snape claims that Harry can't read. He felt like he was on top of the world at the current present. All the power of extortion held at the hand of a sixteen year old.

Isn't it lovely to hold something over someone else?

With that delighted thought in mind, Harry then picked up the blackmail book. Only to find that it was full of pictures.

Dreadfully embarrassing pictures.

Yet, easily copied as well.

Harry skipped pages right to the middle, then came to a picture that had McGonagall (who looked particularly dreadful from the start) choking on some food while spilling pumpkin juice out of her nose.

Harry laid down and roared with laughter, so loudly that he was sure the whole neighborhood could hear.

Once Harry calmed down a bit, he decided that the books couldn't just sit under the seat when they all got out. So, carefully, harry opened the door to the car.

The neighborhood was quiet, leaves rustled and a light wind blew.

As quick as lightning, harry jumped out of the car and ran to the back. In this time he shoved the books non to neatly in his trunk, closed it, and raced back to the door and got in.

There he sat, panting as if he won a particularly long race. It was, however, fortunate that Harry put the books in his trunk because just then the door was slammed open with a _Bang_!

Snape came out of the house, his robes billowing behind him. His nostrils were flaring and cheeks pinched.

Harry scooted over to the complete other side of the car.

Snape opened the door so forcefully that Harry was sure it might brake. He closed the door with a similar bang and crossed his arms over his chest while slouching down as well.

Harry had to try hard not to laugh. Snape looked like a toddler who was just told he couldn't have any cookies before dinner.

Snape seemed to realize this too and screwed up his features into a sneer while simultaneously glaring at harry.

Harry did not back down, he stared straight into Snape's cold, black eyes. Sometimes their fingers would twitch over to their wands. Sometimes, they narrowed their eyes to eachother.

So, there they sat. A professor who is suppose to have one of the greatest minds in England, and a student who is suppose to be mature and "respectful to his elders."

Bah.

Thankfully, Harry was able to blink soon enough because the rest of the teachers came piling in, all of whom looked very irritated.

Soon, they were all on the road again, Dumbledore in the front seat and everyone else in the back. (he claimed that someone up front will distract him, yet when they saw a lost mutt sitting on the side of the road Dumbledore wanted to have the dog sit with him. Naturally, the rest of the staff disagreed [particularly Snape, who hated dogs.])

After ten minutes of fiddling with his shirt, Harry finally asked

"Where are we going now sir?" The teachers rose up curiously.

"We are going back to Hogwarts." Dumbledore said cheerfully.

"Hogwarts?"

"Oh, yes. We can always start the conferences bright and early tomorrow."  
There was some barely audible groaning in the car.

"Wait!" said Snape "We're bringing that (he pointed at harry) To Hogwarts?"

"Yes."

"Why?! He could easily be shipped off to the Weasleys, even if the protection charms aren't fully running yet. Furthermore, the brat inflicts considerable damage to the school and people in it during the year, and you want him there in the summer!"

"You know precisely why, Severus. As you said, the charms are not ready enough for Harry to go with his friends. He is exceptionally more safe in Hogwarts for the time being."

Dumbledore's voice left no room for argument, but Snape carried on anyway.

"How do we know that the miscreant won't sneak off in the night, like he so often does? He will get himself killed just because he doesn't have any chocolate frogs and needs more."

Harry flared up at once.

"I only do those things to help people. I don't ever recall sneaking to Hogsmead just to get candy. If you need to find someone who did that, however, just ask Fred and George."

Dumbledore was nodding at the end.

"Yes, I am sure that Harry has never done that. However, harry, I must caution you. going out of Hogwarts ground without a teacher would be most unwise."

Snape snorted.

"That has never stopped him before, headmaster."

"Well, if you don't want kids sneaking out, you should make security tighter!" Harry exploded.

All of the teachers turned to look at him.

"You think that our security plan is lax?" squeaked Flitwick with raised eyebrows.

"Kind of." Harry said boldly. "Anyone could get out of Hogwarts if they had their mind to it. Truthfully, its not hard, as long as you know how and have a few tricks up your sleeve."

The teachers stared.

"How many times have you sneaked somewhere to which you were not suppose to be?"

Harry skillfully avoided the question by saying something else.

"None of you really have to worry anyway. It is much harder to get in that to get out. Trust me."

Somehow, the teachers didn't look particularly reassured.

"But how do you get out with teachers and prefects patrolling-"

"So!" Harry exclaimed loudly "How long is it before we reach the train station?"

**Next up, Hogwarts!**

**Again, we will be sure to update more.**

**Review please! (it makes us happy)**


	7. Going to the Train

**We are so sorry! **

**It has been so busy with all stars and everything, we haven't gotten a measly chance to update. We were going to update before we left for camping. We got up early and everything. Would you like to know what we found in our computer room?**

**Our little sister.**

**She refused to let us on so she could play her games. Then dad woke up and told us to get moving and help him load the food and all that. **

**Again, we are sorry. We hope that this chapter makes up for it.**

**-A & A.**

Chapter 7 (finally)

The Kings cross station was at its normal hustle and bustle Tuesday evening. Couples were seen together, families were being pushed on trains, and small children were crying about something or other.

The strangest sight, perhaps, was that of a rather large crowd of cloaked figures. Exept, a boy who was just in oversized jeans and a shirt.

Harry Potter walked along the crowd of professors (staying about three feet within distance of them as to not appear to be walking with them.) As he walked, he stared at his feet though, no one could see it, smiling.

Harry was ecstatic to be going back to Hogwarts so early in the summer. At first he felt guilty for not thinking about the Weasleys, but if all goes well he should be with them by the end of the summer.

His eyes suddenly widened at the fact that he might have just jinxed himself. He quickly strolled over to a wooden bench with a rather small child on and smartly knocked on the wood three times before coming back within three feet of the teachers.

All of them gave him odd looks, but were distracted by Snape snearing at a small girl who was walking with her doll and towards her parents, when she suddenly burst into tears and ran to her mom screeching about a large vampire.

Finally coming to platform nine and three quarters, they were all surprised (except perhaps Harry) to see a large group of adolescent boys with multiple body piercings drawing on the supposed brick wall.

Snape was the first to react.

"What the hell do you think you're doing!" he yelled dramatically. A boy with possibly the most piercings responded first.

"What the hell do you think you're doing!" he responded in a high pitched voice making the other boys (and Sinstra with Vector, though they tried to snuffle it) laughed at the older boys cleverness and witticism.

Snape was pale with rage.

"Just get out of my sight." He hissed.

The boy made a rude gesture with his hands at Snape.

"Whatever Dracula." Was what he said. The other boys laughed again and stalking away chortling at the comments made.

Dumbledore intervened before Snape could curse the boys.

"Well, I think it is time to go through the barrier now. Harry, you first."

It wasn't much, thought Harry, but at least I will be away from the professors for a few seconds. And with that, he casually leaned against the barrier, with one last glance at a seething Snape.

He appeared on the other side of the wall where a beautiful scarlet engine met his sight. He beamed, looking around. Even if it wasn't with his friends, it was good to see the Hogwarts express again.

Roughly, he was pushed by a cold hand in the train, braking out of his stupor.

The train was exactly the same as he remembered from the starting of last school year. Except, he thought very sadly, there would be no black, barking dog to see him off.

Pushing the thought out of his mind, he started to listen to his teachers again.

"-rotten dunderheads, I should have turned them into flobberworms and used them for my potions."

"Now, now Severus." Dumbledore said. "They are just boys, not people from prison."

Snape eyed Harry with a look of deep dislike, a look that Harry was glad to return.

"Some boys deserve to be sent to prison, Headmaster."

"Yes, well!" said Dumbledore with a clap of his hands. "It is time for us to find our compartment!"

For one beautiful moment, Harry thought he was going to be able to have a compartment to his self, but was greatly mistaken. Dumbledore motioned them to follow him, so Harry did, hauling his large trunk and Hedwig's cage beside him.

Dumbledore finally stopped at what seemed a regular compartment. Everyone was greatly mistaken as he opened the door.

This compartment happened to be three times larger than any other compartment, clearly meant to fit a very large number of people. Seeing his fate, Harry quickly stowed his trunk and cage at the top of the compartment, then chose one of the seats closer to the window.

The teachers slowly filed in, one by one carrying there own things and stowing it under them. Dumbledore sat across from Harry, while everyone else just plopped down wherever they happened to be. (except Snape , who chose the farthest seat from Harry as possible, vein in his forehead looking fit to burst.

"Ah, this is very nice!" Said Dumbledore when no one said anything he continued.

"Being here all together, it is very relaxing."

Harry scowled.

"Yes Headmaster." Snape drawled with heavy and strangely contagious sarcasm. "We all truly enjoy each others company."

Dumbledore ignored him.

"Now, Harry. I believe you had suggestions for our Hogwarts Security?"

Harry stared.

"Erm….."

**We are horrible, we know. We also know that this chapter was a load of crap. Unfortuneatly, we Had to get all of them on the train for our storyline before the funny stuff could begin. We also know this is really short, and we apologize again. But together, we swear that you will have another chapter within the next 24 hours. **

**-Amber and Ashley (George and Fred)**


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